changes......

The past couple weeks have been the best and the worst, all at the same time.
yesterday i left my cousin in Nyc for college. I dont even consider her my cousin, but my little sister. no matter what she is always there for me. i feel as though that something is missing. i no she will do great and i wish her the best of luck in everything. baby girl-stay safe, have fun and live it up. thank you for all you do for me and always sticking by me. I love you and i cant beleive how fast your growing up!

this whole month i have been reunited with my best friend. Hes been the one person, besides gina, that i can count on for the last 7 years. we have the best time with each other, have so much fun. i can say that i am the most comfortable with him than anyone else. as a girl with very low self confidence, i feel the best and amazing when im with him. ordinarily ill feel as though everyone is staring and thinking bad things about me, but when he is by my side i could careless what anyone has to say. our truly cherish his friends more than any of my others.yes, ill be the first to admit we've had problems. but we got thorough every single one and they have only made our friendship stronger.

While our firendship is great in everyway possible, theres one problem. My family. they have seen the many ups and downs of our frienship, and cannot let them go. um hello have you ever heard of forgive and forget?!If am willing to forgive him then thye should have no say. i dont understand am 20 years old, but somwehow the treat me like im five. there is no reason why i have to be home by 10 when i go out with him, but with any one else it doesnt matter. and why is it such a big deal if he doesnt meet me at our house? if am already out there is no reason why we have to drive all the way home just so he meets me here. i hate they way they hate the one person that i can honestly say my best friend. most times when i come home from hanging out with him, i end up in tears because, of all the bad things they have to say when i get home from hanging out with him.

Today when i got home, my parents told me that if we want to hang out he has to meet me at my house no matter what, or im not seeing him. I know he would do that no problem. but theres just one thing standing in the way. tommorow he has to go to court for something involoving his license and he believes its getting taken away for a year. if that happens what does that mean for us? if he cant drive here, and i cant see him unless he meets me at my house, does that mean i have to wait 1 whole year, to hang out with my best friend again? idk what i would do. sometimes all i really need is one of his hugs to turn a horrible day into a great one. sometimes all i need is someone to talk to about how my day was. Somwtimes all i need is someone that i no loves me unconditionally. Sometimes all i need is his familar face, knowing he cares about me. If this happens i dont know what ill do. we will have to find away to see each other. hopefully, everything thing will work out. i sure hope so! i dont know what i would do with out him.

i just wish my parents and the rest of my family, saw him they way i see him, the caring loving, best friend ill always have. they dont understand, and it so hard. to hear them constently knock him down!

its been a long time!

so i hardly use this thing anymore, for one i have nothing to write about and 2 im way to tired after work to write something. but anyway, i see what i can come up with tonight. For one i realized two things today...
1. i find myself thinking about how i wish we were hanging out together almost everyday. i wish i knew what happend, and that we used to spend as much time or at least talk as much as we used!
2. in a few short weeks, my cousin will be leaving for college, i have no idea what i will do without her here. in the past few years we have grown closer and closer, and i know that i can go to her with anything and she will always listen. Gina, girlie girl, i love, do it up right in college and have fun! ill miss u! come home lots and make sure to call!


work is going ok, everyday is diffrent and looking back i dont think i have been corrected or bosses around for the past 2 days. i was given very few hours today, but im not complaning cause i love sleeping in, and i really need the time off. taking care of tons of toddlers is tiring and eventually takes its toll on you!

on another note...has anyone else noticed that this season of the real world is horrible, i mean tonight they went on for a half hour how the kids alarm clock didnt go off. big deal! get over it already!

anyway i think ill watch some roseanne, and then hit the hay! night night

i just dont want to miss you tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87Fkp1maBAo

*I just dont want to miss you tonight*

*and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that they'd understand
when everythings made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am*

*and you cant fight the tears that aint coming*

*or the moment of truth in your lies*

tears, what else is new?

im sick and tired of being walked all over. i just dont understand. i really need to just stop caring, show him how it feels but i never will. i do so much for you and all i get in return is treated like crap. i dont understand how someone could treat another person, who they say is one of their bestfriends the way you treat me. i feel like im kept around, im your last resort, and i dont want to be that girl for you. i want you to want to hang out with me, not feel like you have to every once in a while in hopes that its gets me off your back for a couple weeks. i dont want to be that friend to you that you keep around because you cant get rid of me. i want to be someone who you truly chersish the firendship we have together. about a year and a half ago i could say i was that person, now i have no idea. its so hard to let the days go when we used to talk on the phone for hours every night, tell each other everything, and were insepreable. i no things change and people change, but i really thought are friendship was special, something that could withstand time, and everything that would come are way. i constanlty analyze in my head what i could have done to cause our friendship to be how it is today. and im tired of doing that. i wish i could stop, treat you like anyone of the other friends that i have, but its so hard, and i think part of that has to do with the fact that before i felt like you were the one true friend i could every have. i knew i could go to you, so many tears i cryed you wiped them away. what happens now, when your the one causing me the tears falling from my eyes? i dont know what to do anymore, i want to tell you how i feel but i cant. and no matter how hard i get hurt each and every time, i dont know what it will take for me to learn.

is it really summer?

its summer, schools out, but wheres all the fun im supposed to be having? i work 5 days a week which sucks. working in a daycare is one of the hardest things to do, and no one can fully understand until the walk in the shoes of one of the teachers and spend 8 or more hours with about 16 or 17 toddlers at one time. it is not easy, and very tiring. i have a curse on me i think, every daycare i work at i always start out in the preschool room, this is the age i love, the kids can have a conversation with you, are able to do things on their own and follow directions, i get to know these kids and love going into work everyday, then it happens! the switch me into the toddler room, dont get me wrong i love all kids, but i know i dont give my best to them, simply because i cant, its to much to handle and too many of them at that. i hate saying something to them and just getting starred at, like i have 10 heads. i hate having to feed them because they cant eat on their own. i hate changing their diapers. not to mention the two other teachers in the room arent very helpful either. one of the them treats me like im one of the babies and the other always says shes going to do something, leaves me outside with the kids, and doesnt come back for a half hour. not only that but she calls her boyfriend at least 3 times a day and that doesnt even count the times he calls in to talk to her. the other teacher told me to scrub the floor the other day,...so there i was scrubbing the floor, last i checked caring for the children was in my job description not scrubbing floors, because the cleaning crew do not do a good job.

thankfully, last week was only a 4 day week. we had off on friday due to july 4th. having an extra day off was great, and im already dreading going back tommorow. on friday, i got a surprising phone call from a friend i havent heard from in a while, he asked to do something, until he had to go pick up his other friend. i agreed, but i was a little annoyed at the same time. i was so happy that we would spend time together and that he actually called but i kinda feel like i was a time killer for him. also we went to see transformers, and he admitted that no one else would go see it with him because they already had. so then again i also feel like i was used to go see a movie. i already told him though, he owes me big time, when i really girly movie is out, hes going to have to go with me.

today he has a chance to prove he cares. he says we havent hung out in a while cuz alot of things were going on and he didnt want to talk about them at them time i asked to hang out. so now that we've talked, we will see what happens. Friday after he dropped me off he was supposed te text me if he was coming back and he never did. strike 1. but that didnt surprise me, cuz when he leaves 2 go pick up his (choice words) friend i know he wont follow through with what he says. so today he gets another chance. we talked about going to dinner after he gets out of work tonight, so we will see if he follows through with that. hopefully he will, we only get about a half hour to talk on friday cuz that movie was almost 3 hours long!! so we will see, im crossing my fingers, its all up to him now.

in a little im going to pick up gina, were going to get our nails done, and im going to relax for once, and pamper myself. even though, i know that will b hard to do cause i will be wondering all day if our dinner tonight will happen.

work

work sucks.....best friend is back to his old ways...when will i learn to stop giving my all to someone who dosent even care in the smallest bit...

ps. here ya go gina heres a blog...now im leaving for work..call me later and try to cheer me up!

only one of you can stand under my umbrella

Its funny how things are. I thought i had some really good friends in my life, but honestly i dont. i feel like i have just one, hopefully this is something true and not because i want it to be that way. Im tired of drama, we were supposed to leave that in high school. and yes, he does not treat me the best he can, but if i needed him he would be there as quick as he could. and honestly i dont really feel like anyone else of you would do that. you say you care and u understand, but is that the truth? probably not! and i can see right through that. and as bitchy as it may sound, i could careless about how u feel, and if u can "act" like you care then guess what i can "act" like i care to about what is going on with you, but quite frankly i dont give a crap. why should i put in any effort when u dont either...and if i showed this to anyone but him, u would all call me crazy. but none of you really understand...you dont get it..and yes ill be the first to admit, we used to fight like an old married couple, and got into some really bad fights, not talking to each other for weeks or months, but look how it came out in the end. we always worked our way through it and it seemed like none of it every happened. can any of you say that? it takes true friends to do something like that. maybe i am crazy, maybe! maybe its just cuz were going on the second week of being really good again since a while, and im happy about that, maybe. but i feel i can really truely honestly say that if i needed him right now, hed drive down 2 be here with me. and none of you would. one of u would would be to busy talking about ur "boyfriend"...and another one would ignore me. and others i wouldnt even bother. its really funny how things turn out, i think one of the reason its so hard to let you go is because once your gone i will have no one. ul be to far away to come and rescue me, and i dont no if i can handle that, the past 7 yrs. u were always there to catch me when i fall! i can go on and on but i wont....all i can say is im tired of feeling like crap because of you ppl that are supposedly my best friends. and to you--ur not reading this but if u were u would no it was you...thank you for everything! and ilu, lets keep this up!

ps. gina baby girl, ur not in this category, i know ud be there for me! and i no u may not want 2 here me go on and on about u no who, but atleast u sit and listen, and sometimes thats all i need....so a thank you 2 u 2 baby girl...prom in 3 days! get excited..u will look sooo pretty! cant wait!

anyway, way back when, when rhianna made this song, i told my best friend that this was our song. the other day i found a cover of it by all time low, and i love it so here its is.....