i miss you "terribly"

so thats what you told me, and still you havent proved that. im tired of getting all these txts and emails telling me how much you miss, how your sorry that you havent been around, and that you will make time for me. I guess you can only change for a few days. its back to normal again, no phone calls back or texts. im stuck in a rut..i cant make up my mind. ive done so much for you over the years and i know i dont deserve to be treated like a doormat, but thats what you do. im sorry...and i have nothing to apoligize for but i keep making myself think i do. i wish i new what happened...i cant write anymore

wish i could think of good titles like my cousin

today i spent the whole day with my group of 1st graders, wasent as bad as i thought. I had to teach them a math lesson about telling time, so for once it was actually math that i can handle, without to much thinking. I registerd for my classes for next semester, including my real education classes, and i hear they are TONS of work, not looking forward to that! but we will see hopefully, it will work out ok.

im not feeling good. everywake up in the morning and just feel sick to your stomach? thats me today. every once in a while it goes away, but i cant get it to stay away! o, well hopefully ill be better in the morning, only 2 classes tommorow and its officialy the start of my weekend! not much to do at all, except write a report on a book, i still havent read, its so boring, everytime i read a few pages i have to put it down. Most of the time i can bring myself to even open the book, much like right, now. my furtune cookie tonight said, dont put anything off tonight that you feel you cannnot die without doing..well i think id be ok without reading that book, so i probably wont read anymore today. On sunday i have to go to my cousins baby shower, ill be bored! im prediciting it now....

ok, well im off to watch the one tree hill i recorded on monday! ttyl...

ps. gina, babygirl...wear the fur..brendon says so!

calling dr. 4 letter name

figured i should update since i havent in a few days. not much is going on. i went back to school today and it was horrible, i have such a headache and just want to go to sleep but i have to stay awake to watch one tree hill. im currently trying to help find a place for my cousins graduation party. this is my thing, i love planing parties! if i wasnt so restricted in doing what my parents want, that would so be my major. I like the idea of special ed, but some days idk if i can handle it, however party planning, i can handle, everything done to the last detail, i love. I love running to diffrent stores, finding last minute things. it sounds crazy, but i love the rush! i cant wait to plan my wedding, i will drive my future husband crazy with the details, but o well...now all i need is to find my prince charming...(insert future doctor 4-letter name here)....sue and gina stop laughing at me!!!

i have to meet with one of my profssors tommorow, about a project we have to do, i love that i can meet with at a time when im actually at that school, and dont have to waste time, or drive all the way back there...i also love that she answers emails back in a heartbeat...i hate waiting for emails...shes one of the most hopeful professors at that school of mine..

lately i have been totally addicted to this song!! take a listen ul be addicted to..and the lead singer isnt to bad either!

Worried

i drove past that place tonight....my heart sank and tears filled my eyes, just thinking about you being there. i get more and more worried by the hour, because i havent talked to you and i dont know how things went yesterday. what if your back in there and now i have no way of finding out...i hope your ok...idk what to do anymore...please stay out of trouble, your more than that. i still care about you, that will never change. ill always be there for you no matter what. I hope your ok. and not there......i cant stop thinking about it.

tonight was horrible. i felt like i was out with a bunch of kids. seriously, your 19 and 20 yrs old. you should not be making fun of mentally challenged people, its so wrong. at your age you should no better! plus you dont know whos around you, and who can hear you. your out in public, please grow up.

Gina.....im glad ur home! u worried me. Feel better!!! Rest up!!! i will talk to you tommorow!!! I no you got sick just so you could see owen....i hoped you gave him that hint about your VERY SINGLE cousin!!

sick and tired of being sick and tired

so i kinda thought for a minute that i would actually see you today. the other day, u actually made an attempt to call me back plus you ansewred by txts later on in the night. i thought for once maybe i might actually see you. well yest, things went back to the way things were, no reply to txts messages and no phone call back. im sitting here and it all ready almost 230 in the afternoon. i wont see you today. i guess i get one day every three months for you to be nice to me and that its so, i guess ill have to wait until june for that to happen again. maybe ul surprise me, ill be shocked if you do. i dont care if all we do is sit in the car and talk, it doesnt matter to me anymore, as long as we spend sometime together, thats all i really want. but i see you dont care. idk. im going back and forth in my head with whether or not i should call or txt you today.ughh idk....

Hang in there gina! feel better! id come and visit you if i could. please dont stick up for him this time:( fell better...tell owen you have a very single cousin at home!

life lessons.

OMG! i hoped you learned your lesson this time, it sounds like you did! my worst nightmare came true! i hope you serious about what you told me!

i love you, be careful!

Forever and always?

My official 1st day of spring break is coming the end. i spent it in a 3rd grade classroom observing the teachers. lets just say it was interesting, i thought the kids were gonna fight each other! and it was only 3rd grade! thank god thats over.

Im not feeling so good, feel like im getting yet another cold. and am really hungry, dont know why, but i am. i really want a chocolate milkshake.

its intersting you signed on today and didnt read my message. i think its cuz u already know what is says, and you figure if you dont read it, u wont have to answer me. You promised me you would keep your promises this time. i hope to god im wrong, and theres a good reason why you didnt read it. i miss you and you know that, i cant take being lied to and getting my hopes up anymore!

Taylor Swift Forever and Always
This thing is breaking down, we almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby, what happened? Please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always
Oh, oh

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYfNG2RmnKM

spring break

so im officialy on spring break! not such a big deal, as i have no plans what so ever, really. monday i have to sit in a classroom for about 2 hours and interview the teacher but thats about it. i do plan to catch up on some very much needed sleep! some interesting things..my so called "best friend" was home last week for her spring break, i didnt see her once, why? cuz shed rather spend every waking moment with her stuck up brother, and drink, she just turned 21 and i swear she'll be an acoholic by her 22nd bday. its funny she always is telling me to drop my other best friend, because of what he does and how he treats me, but if you really think about it, she does the same things. speaking of him, i hope to see him this coming week, hopefully it will happen. i really do miss him, and it so strange hanging out just about every day, to hardly ever talking. he knows i miss him, and he says he misses me terribly. so hopefully thats true and i see him soon. sometimes i feel like hes the only real friend i have even though hes never around anymore. we've been friends for about 6 1/2 years, and i hope theres many more to come!

Tommorow im going to the st. patricks day parade with my cousins and her twins, as well as gina and her parents. should be interesting to say the least. you never know what type of person you'll see at those types of things. last year i saw a guy, dressed in a purple suit, sunglasses and a cane! ill be looking for him again this year!

Im loving the taylor swift cd, i have to go and buy it!

get over yourself

real quick..i should be going to bed or ill never wake up in the morning.......ur whole family needs to grow up. ur 21 yrs old and if i didnt know that, id never guess it. ur sister is a few years older than that and shes the most normal out of all of you, and i still have my doubts about her. and ur brothers...dont get me started, the oldest needs to come out of the closet already and get over it. and the young one needs to get over himself, actually you all need to get over yourself. Your little college is not the best place in the world, and u need to get over that 2. you always tell me get rid of him hes not a good friend...and all this but guess what you act the same way if not worse than him. get over yourself, and wake up....ur not what you think you are..one day you'll be lost, with no one but ur oldest brother....o and something ive always wanted to tell you.....you cant marry your brother...its illegal here in the US. even though im pretty sure ud love it if you could....k im going to sleep now, just had to get that off my mind.

dark

why when i was driving to class today did it feel like it was 4 in the morning? it sucks waking up when its pitch black outside, and seeing the sun come up when ur driving to class. not much is going on, i had to make a whole bunch of phone calls on friday to observe in a school, i got pushed around and recoonected to at least 10 other people, when i finally was able to leave a message, i got no call back, so i called again today, only to get shot down by the first person who decided to answer their phone, who not to mention was very rude. you all need to learn your info because you cant tell someone no because of a privacy issue, and someone they need to be approved first, please u pick and choose depending on what you feel like doing. or other reasons, which i will not say. anyway i have tons of studying to do plus have to take a nap, or i will never get through the studying so...thats all for now!

quick update

just a quick update i really should be getting to bed its almost 130 am and i hardly slept last night. i get a message tonight saying how much you missed me and how sorry you are for not being around. i was promised that we'd catch up soon. all i can hope is that you keep your promises this time. ill never tell you this but without you i feel like a part of me is missing. writting you back messages is so hard cuz theres so many things that i want to tell you if i wrote it all id be writing for hours. anyway spent tonight with none other than gina, went to a basketball game then out for pizza. nothing to exciting. tommorow we're going prom dress shopping for her, its going to be a very tiring day so i gotta get all the sleep in i can get.

Tears

so today i cried as i got dressed to go to class as well as half of my 40 minute drive there. once i got there, i put on my everyday fake smile, and walked to class. I put in my head that i was writing you a message when i got home asking for you to be there for me now. I had a complete breakdown and just needed to talk to you because your the only one that makes things seem ok. but i didnt for 2 reasons 1. i dont want to be more hurt if you dont write me back. and 2. i feel bad putting my tears and problems on you, when have your own. I have a complete breakdown at least once a month now. there no fun.

My meeting with my advisor went better than i thought, i actually passed a required test you have to take to go on to higher level class that i thought i failed. I now am well on my way to graduate in may 2011, once i get my first real job, im out of here! living on my own in my own apartment, without having my every moved watched. Thank god its thursday no more classes this week. i dont think i could have taken anymore anyway.

Getting ready 2 go to dinner w liz, she wants go where i normally would want to but not tonioght especially w what happened there on sat and how this whole week went.

OVERPROTECTED

You say you dont sleep...im sure..u sleep more than anyone else in this house. you say theres a lot of stuff going on that i have no idea about it. think twice mama dukes, i no more than you think, about whats going on, dont forget i have cousins who work and see his paperwork! im not an idiot. You tell me get a job and then i can pay to go on a vacation. yea right, ud never let me go away with friends and no adults. never! u had a heart attack when i went to FL for 3 days with my much older cousin then me! (ps. sue, i dont mean ur old). You'll see, ill plan a vacation and buy everything without you knowing. i dont need ur permission anymore im 20 yrs old not 5 although thats the way im treated. I could have been going to the bahamas on spring break, but no you wouldnt let me do that either. Soon ill be 21, wont that be fun for you! You want to move to an old folks community go, i never told you to buy this big house anyway, and i sure didnt tell you to move to a big house in the middle of nowhere, where it takes forever to get anywhere. Im in a college that you picked for me, because you wouldnt let me go away to school. Im in a major that you picked for me , forced it upon me. you wouldnt except it if i did what i really wanted to be majoring in. My life has been hand picked by you. My friends, i blame half of me and his friendship problems on you two for pushing him away. You dont like the ones i like and the ones i spend the most time with. I will never bring a boy in this house that you approve off. Unless his exactly like landon from a walk to remember. Newsflash: its 2009, theres probably 2 of them that exist, and they sure as hell dont live in NJ. What would you do if i moved to FL and started over all by myself. Its the only place ive truely felt happy in a very long time. Maybe thats what i need. I nice see ya later! i think ud rather see me miserable than happy. Ive never been in trouble, never walked in the house drunk, never! im the only 2o yr old who still has to be home by midnight! Go to sleep, i can handle opening the door and turining off the alarm. im the only one who has to call mommy and daddy before i go anywhere. Ive completly had it. You say im never home..Wake up theres a reason for that! Maybe stop treating me like im 5 and treat me like the 20 yr old that i am and maybe ill stay around some more.

as you can see things arent to happy over here. ive complety had it. These are the times that i wish me and you could sit down and talk so i could tell you all the things that i need to say. and you can give me a hug and make things feel better, at least for that moment. you've told me countless times, im always here for you no matter what. If i called you now 2 tell you i really need to talk to someone, id get the voicemail, with no call back. What happend to ALWAYS? i miss you more than you ever no, i dont think u realize your the only one of my friends that actually listens when im upset! i wish you were here right now!

anyway. tommorows thurdays i have to meet with my advisor so she can screw up my schedule some more for next semester. Cant wait. Have a mid term in inclusion to, should be to hard comsidering we get to have 2 pages of notes. in small print i can get everything on there. thats all for now

An oldie but goodie. at least britney knows what im feeling.

Exausted

so i can say im exausted after this weekend, physically, mentally and emotionaly. (sorry for my lack of good spelling). Friday started out ok, going to the dentist but then spending time with one of my favorite cousin who can make me laugh even if shes not trying to. Things didnt start to go down hill until saturday night. I had a great time getting ready to go out, couldnt wait to see one of my best friends who i havent seen in a very long time. and then "that"( see previous entry) had to happen. ive basically had my fill of him treating my like he does. That whole thing pretty much ruined my night altough i kept a fake smile on my face to keep the tears from falling. and pretend it really didnt bother me. im used to that. Today i went to breakfast with one of my best friends since kindergarten. i cant believe that we've known each other for 15 years now, its so crazy. Her mom almost looked like she wanted to cry this aftenoon as we talked about how we will be graduating college in about 2 years. As much as we dont see each other, cause she is away at school, i no she is someone i can and always will be able to count on. After breakfast we went to look for a new snowboard for her. i have no idea about any of that stuff. it was fun though. we also passed someone on the way to one of the stores. and for the record he looked even more misreable than he did last night. but it still hurts to see him. so like i said im exausted i need to sleep like really sleep but with so much running through my mind i cant. I need to cut him out of my life complety but being close to someone for 6 years and being inseperbale doesnt make that come easy.

On another note as we speak...its snowing outside, last i heard 8-12 inches is expected! yet another thing to make me mad. I cant win. St pattys day is coming up and maybe ill find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and my luck and happiness will finally change.

What goes around comes around

there are so many things i want and should say to you right now!. first of all ur a jerk..is it really hard to say hi? idk i dont think so. and i no ur gonna tell me u didnt even see me, but come on you no u did and even if you didnt u had to hear us. im tired of it all. i wish i could just let u go, but i cant. and i swear if i find out that you told them not to put us in your section. id really like to no what i did that was bad. when u didnt have a car..who drove you around? to work 45 minutes away at the crack of dawn and then back and forth again! and extra places just because you wanted to go? who lent you so much money while you said i swear ill pay you back as soon as i get paid. news flash: u still owe me $200. money i will never see again! yes i was stupid for giving it to you in the first place but at that time u truly were my best friend. i wanted to help you in anyway i could. you were always there for me and now im like a total stranger. it hurts that everytime i call all i hear is the voicemail message, cuz as you would say "im to high" to pick it up. or are u? is it just because u dont want to talk to me? and i hate the text message u send every once in awhile saying o we have to hang out soon its been so long. ill call soon...and then you never do. Ive done everything for you that i possibly could. What i did for you for your bday was such a big mistake. i should have never boughten you what i did and should have never taken you out on top of that to. not that im looking for anything in return, but u couldnt do a thing for me for my bday! couldnt even show up to the dinner! i no you dont like my friends, but guess what u dont like them half as much as i dont like yours. im tired of being the back up plan or the bank. thats all i am to you. i really want to know if i even really ment anything to you? Ive really had it with you! right now all i wanna do is cry, uve hurt me so much and it doesnt even phase you. one day ul need me and i want be there to pick you up when ur down like i always was no matter what. call one of your "real friends"!

Josh Hoge-360

You can tell someone, that you’ll be there
And then walk away, like you don’t
not saying this cause im mad
I just want you to understand,
One day, its gonna catch up with you

What goes around comes around
Baby I thought you knew
Do somebody wrong for too long,
its gonna get done to you
And you did me bad and got away
Play me like a fool
Thought you knew, 360 is coming right back to you

You must be sitting on top of the world
Feeling like you’re finally free and you will seethat it won’t be too long
Taking what you deserve, then you’re the one that somebody leaves
Then you’ll think of me and wish you never did me wrong baby