changes......

The past couple weeks have been the best and the worst, all at the same time.
yesterday i left my cousin in Nyc for college. I dont even consider her my cousin, but my little sister. no matter what she is always there for me. i feel as though that something is missing. i no she will do great and i wish her the best of luck in everything. baby girl-stay safe, have fun and live it up. thank you for all you do for me and always sticking by me. I love you and i cant beleive how fast your growing up!

this whole month i have been reunited with my best friend. Hes been the one person, besides gina, that i can count on for the last 7 years. we have the best time with each other, have so much fun. i can say that i am the most comfortable with him than anyone else. as a girl with very low self confidence, i feel the best and amazing when im with him. ordinarily ill feel as though everyone is staring and thinking bad things about me, but when he is by my side i could careless what anyone has to say. our truly cherish his friends more than any of my others.yes, ill be the first to admit we've had problems. but we got thorough every single one and they have only made our friendship stronger.

While our firendship is great in everyway possible, theres one problem. My family. they have seen the many ups and downs of our frienship, and cannot let them go. um hello have you ever heard of forgive and forget?!If am willing to forgive him then thye should have no say. i dont understand am 20 years old, but somwehow the treat me like im five. there is no reason why i have to be home by 10 when i go out with him, but with any one else it doesnt matter. and why is it such a big deal if he doesnt meet me at our house? if am already out there is no reason why we have to drive all the way home just so he meets me here. i hate they way they hate the one person that i can honestly say my best friend. most times when i come home from hanging out with him, i end up in tears because, of all the bad things they have to say when i get home from hanging out with him.

Today when i got home, my parents told me that if we want to hang out he has to meet me at my house no matter what, or im not seeing him. I know he would do that no problem. but theres just one thing standing in the way. tommorow he has to go to court for something involoving his license and he believes its getting taken away for a year. if that happens what does that mean for us? if he cant drive here, and i cant see him unless he meets me at my house, does that mean i have to wait 1 whole year, to hang out with my best friend again? idk what i would do. sometimes all i really need is one of his hugs to turn a horrible day into a great one. sometimes all i need is someone to talk to about how my day was. Somwtimes all i need is someone that i no loves me unconditionally. Sometimes all i need is his familar face, knowing he cares about me. If this happens i dont know what ill do. we will have to find away to see each other. hopefully, everything thing will work out. i sure hope so! i dont know what i would do with out him.

i just wish my parents and the rest of my family, saw him they way i see him, the caring loving, best friend ill always have. they dont understand, and it so hard. to hear them constently knock him down!

its been a long time!

so i hardly use this thing anymore, for one i have nothing to write about and 2 im way to tired after work to write something. but anyway, i see what i can come up with tonight. For one i realized two things today...
1. i find myself thinking about how i wish we were hanging out together almost everyday. i wish i knew what happend, and that we used to spend as much time or at least talk as much as we used!
2. in a few short weeks, my cousin will be leaving for college, i have no idea what i will do without her here. in the past few years we have grown closer and closer, and i know that i can go to her with anything and she will always listen. Gina, girlie girl, i love, do it up right in college and have fun! ill miss u! come home lots and make sure to call!


work is going ok, everyday is diffrent and looking back i dont think i have been corrected or bosses around for the past 2 days. i was given very few hours today, but im not complaning cause i love sleeping in, and i really need the time off. taking care of tons of toddlers is tiring and eventually takes its toll on you!

on another note...has anyone else noticed that this season of the real world is horrible, i mean tonight they went on for a half hour how the kids alarm clock didnt go off. big deal! get over it already!

anyway i think ill watch some roseanne, and then hit the hay! night night

i just dont want to miss you tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87Fkp1maBAo

*I just dont want to miss you tonight*

*and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that they'd understand
when everythings made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am*

*and you cant fight the tears that aint coming*

*or the moment of truth in your lies*

tears, what else is new?

im sick and tired of being walked all over. i just dont understand. i really need to just stop caring, show him how it feels but i never will. i do so much for you and all i get in return is treated like crap. i dont understand how someone could treat another person, who they say is one of their bestfriends the way you treat me. i feel like im kept around, im your last resort, and i dont want to be that girl for you. i want you to want to hang out with me, not feel like you have to every once in a while in hopes that its gets me off your back for a couple weeks. i dont want to be that friend to you that you keep around because you cant get rid of me. i want to be someone who you truly chersish the firendship we have together. about a year and a half ago i could say i was that person, now i have no idea. its so hard to let the days go when we used to talk on the phone for hours every night, tell each other everything, and were insepreable. i no things change and people change, but i really thought are friendship was special, something that could withstand time, and everything that would come are way. i constanlty analyze in my head what i could have done to cause our friendship to be how it is today. and im tired of doing that. i wish i could stop, treat you like anyone of the other friends that i have, but its so hard, and i think part of that has to do with the fact that before i felt like you were the one true friend i could every have. i knew i could go to you, so many tears i cryed you wiped them away. what happens now, when your the one causing me the tears falling from my eyes? i dont know what to do anymore, i want to tell you how i feel but i cant. and no matter how hard i get hurt each and every time, i dont know what it will take for me to learn.

is it really summer?

its summer, schools out, but wheres all the fun im supposed to be having? i work 5 days a week which sucks. working in a daycare is one of the hardest things to do, and no one can fully understand until the walk in the shoes of one of the teachers and spend 8 or more hours with about 16 or 17 toddlers at one time. it is not easy, and very tiring. i have a curse on me i think, every daycare i work at i always start out in the preschool room, this is the age i love, the kids can have a conversation with you, are able to do things on their own and follow directions, i get to know these kids and love going into work everyday, then it happens! the switch me into the toddler room, dont get me wrong i love all kids, but i know i dont give my best to them, simply because i cant, its to much to handle and too many of them at that. i hate saying something to them and just getting starred at, like i have 10 heads. i hate having to feed them because they cant eat on their own. i hate changing their diapers. not to mention the two other teachers in the room arent very helpful either. one of the them treats me like im one of the babies and the other always says shes going to do something, leaves me outside with the kids, and doesnt come back for a half hour. not only that but she calls her boyfriend at least 3 times a day and that doesnt even count the times he calls in to talk to her. the other teacher told me to scrub the floor the other day,...so there i was scrubbing the floor, last i checked caring for the children was in my job description not scrubbing floors, because the cleaning crew do not do a good job.

thankfully, last week was only a 4 day week. we had off on friday due to july 4th. having an extra day off was great, and im already dreading going back tommorow. on friday, i got a surprising phone call from a friend i havent heard from in a while, he asked to do something, until he had to go pick up his other friend. i agreed, but i was a little annoyed at the same time. i was so happy that we would spend time together and that he actually called but i kinda feel like i was a time killer for him. also we went to see transformers, and he admitted that no one else would go see it with him because they already had. so then again i also feel like i was used to go see a movie. i already told him though, he owes me big time, when i really girly movie is out, hes going to have to go with me.

today he has a chance to prove he cares. he says we havent hung out in a while cuz alot of things were going on and he didnt want to talk about them at them time i asked to hang out. so now that we've talked, we will see what happens. Friday after he dropped me off he was supposed te text me if he was coming back and he never did. strike 1. but that didnt surprise me, cuz when he leaves 2 go pick up his (choice words) friend i know he wont follow through with what he says. so today he gets another chance. we talked about going to dinner after he gets out of work tonight, so we will see if he follows through with that. hopefully he will, we only get about a half hour to talk on friday cuz that movie was almost 3 hours long!! so we will see, im crossing my fingers, its all up to him now.

in a little im going to pick up gina, were going to get our nails done, and im going to relax for once, and pamper myself. even though, i know that will b hard to do cause i will be wondering all day if our dinner tonight will happen.

work

work sucks.....best friend is back to his old ways...when will i learn to stop giving my all to someone who dosent even care in the smallest bit...

ps. here ya go gina heres a blog...now im leaving for work..call me later and try to cheer me up!

only one of you can stand under my umbrella

Its funny how things are. I thought i had some really good friends in my life, but honestly i dont. i feel like i have just one, hopefully this is something true and not because i want it to be that way. Im tired of drama, we were supposed to leave that in high school. and yes, he does not treat me the best he can, but if i needed him he would be there as quick as he could. and honestly i dont really feel like anyone else of you would do that. you say you care and u understand, but is that the truth? probably not! and i can see right through that. and as bitchy as it may sound, i could careless about how u feel, and if u can "act" like you care then guess what i can "act" like i care to about what is going on with you, but quite frankly i dont give a crap. why should i put in any effort when u dont either...and if i showed this to anyone but him, u would all call me crazy. but none of you really understand...you dont get it..and yes ill be the first to admit, we used to fight like an old married couple, and got into some really bad fights, not talking to each other for weeks or months, but look how it came out in the end. we always worked our way through it and it seemed like none of it every happened. can any of you say that? it takes true friends to do something like that. maybe i am crazy, maybe! maybe its just cuz were going on the second week of being really good again since a while, and im happy about that, maybe. but i feel i can really truely honestly say that if i needed him right now, hed drive down 2 be here with me. and none of you would. one of u would would be to busy talking about ur "boyfriend"...and another one would ignore me. and others i wouldnt even bother. its really funny how things turn out, i think one of the reason its so hard to let you go is because once your gone i will have no one. ul be to far away to come and rescue me, and i dont no if i can handle that, the past 7 yrs. u were always there to catch me when i fall! i can go on and on but i wont....all i can say is im tired of feeling like crap because of you ppl that are supposedly my best friends. and to you--ur not reading this but if u were u would no it was you...thank you for everything! and ilu, lets keep this up!

ps. gina baby girl, ur not in this category, i know ud be there for me! and i no u may not want 2 here me go on and on about u no who, but atleast u sit and listen, and sometimes thats all i need....so a thank you 2 u 2 baby girl...prom in 3 days! get excited..u will look sooo pretty! cant wait!

anyway, way back when, when rhianna made this song, i told my best friend that this was our song. the other day i found a cover of it by all time low, and i love it so here its is.....

im surronded by fakes

GET A LIFE..............................
-stop saying his name no one cares! NO ONE! if i had a dime for every time u said it i would have a very nice LV bag on my arm right now!

I have one true friend and hes moving to New Orleans, leaving me fakes, who only pretend to be friends!


Gina, are u ready to take over!?


baby girls prom in 5 days!!!!

she says baby its 3am i must be lonely...

its 3am and im not the least bit tired. im waiting for this horrible rain were supposed to get! dont think its coming. really having nothing much to say....

i feel like this week im playing catch up..ive seen so many friends who i havent seen or talked to in a while, just over the course of this week.

want to go to the beach, hopefully it will get nice soon....i remeber memorial days where we would sit on the curb watching the parade and sweating..why is it not even in the slightest bit hot yet...i thought we were facing Global Warming!?....its not getting warm! Hello!....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mAf-He3zjg&feature=related
---ignore the stupid video that goes with this song...but the song sounds so pretty....

new orleans = 2o hour drive :( over 1000 miles :( :(

............

build me up buttercup

remeber when we used to sing that song, every time we got into my car. thank you for spending time with me yesterday. i really had fun, but it reminded me of all the old times. i miss you, and cant believe your moving, but cant believe so far away. im proud of you though for doing what u want and following your heart which apparently isnt something i can do. im exuasted and want to go back to sleep, but u woke me up this morning to tell me how good my rap was that i wrote for you last night. and honestly i wouldnt have it any other way. i only hope things stay the way they are, but ive already done that before. going to hop in the shower now and go look for a job....

at least ill be able to get through today happy

second semester GPA 3.2 i feel smart!

4 things

4 things i want to say to 4 diffrent people, without saying there names.

1. ur school, which by the way u dont really go to, u go to a satelitte school, is not the best in the world, get over it. u will are and never will be like ur sister. everyone of you are all trying to be people ur not. sorry to tell you once again you cannot marry your brother! somethings up their, no brother and sister are that close. i am not in the slightest bit surprised that u canceld plans on me last night. i actually expected that. and dont asume that because my status says im upset, its because of you...um, hello! i wrote that the day b4 u canceld plans, and u will never no why im so upset, because simply i dont want to no ur point of you on the whole thing. and having ur mom comment my status telling me to blame her is wrong.

2. i dont know what ur trying to prove. you must have told me at least 2o times last night, u lost weight, i get it, the first time, u dont have to rub it in, and frankly i really dont care. and then today you continued to tell me..texting me telling me your loosing ur boobs! what! i dont care. ur "bf" is strange, but les strange than his brother who u thought id love...im hello, the kid went to the mall to buy a sword!! what! omg dont get me started....save the strange boys for urself thank you!

3. i dont understand. dont move without saying good bye thats all i ask! i miss you! should i call u grandpa?

4. cant wait for tommorow. maybe mr. boat shoes, will offer me free study help! woudnt that be nice! he sooo cute, and for once a normal nice guy, plus a future doctor! major plus..lets work on that tommorow...love ya cousin..see ya bright and early!

...with tears running down your face

i cant begin to describe how am feeling today, upset, depressed, frustrated, cant stop crying. i wake up today only to find that my best friend is moving to new orleans, next month. what a great way to find over the internet. after all this time,i really didnt think it would hurt this much, hes been more of a jerk lately than a true best friend, but i think that might be part of why it hurts so much that hes leaving. when i think back, hes really the only one of my true best friends. no matter what i had to say he would sit and listen, my other friends only listen to what they want to hear. and me being upset that he is leaving, i will on only have to hold it in because, they could care less, and me even saying hes name, will make them mad. so really once he moved, the only good friend, i will have is in new orleans:(, yes only a phone call away, but what about those times when all i really need is a hug :(! u cant hug someone on the phone. im hoping that he makes some time for me sometime soon, its so hard, to to know that hes leaving and i havent seen him. i really have nothing elese to say am to upset to talk about it...

just because

here are the things i believe..



I believe that one day i will truely be happy

I believe one day you will realize how much i really mean to you

I believe hot summer sunny days at the beach are the best kind of days

I believe most school work is pointless

I believe i need to stop being a pushover

I believe one tree hill is my addiction

I believe i should have my own reality show

I believe you helped me have the best 6 yrs of my life

I believe i will have a navy blue range rover one day

I believe that tanning can turn a bad day upside down

I believe in acting like a little kid when you need to

I believe that one day i wont wait for you to call

I believe that a girls night out with true friends is the best medicine

I believe i am the best friend you had, have, or will ever have

I believe im lucky to have great family

I believe that my cousin gina is not only family, but one of my best friends

I belive the guy at the puppy store is not gay! (stop laughing, gina!)

I believe im getting carryed away

I believe that nick at night should stop playing family manners and george lopez

I believe absence make the heart grow stronger

I believe some songs can totally match something going on in your life

I believe its easy to get lost in a song

I belive theres not enough time in a day

I believe that coldstone bday cake remix is the best ever

I believe that i miss you more and more each day, even though i shouldnt

I belive your a great friend even though half the time im trying to avoid you

I believe you wish you could marry your brother

I believe i spent the best 3 days of my life in Florida

I believe you get the best thinking done, when your alone in the car.

I believe a great stress realever is singing at the top of your lungs while driving

I believe you should never stop believing.

a few random notes

Am I suppose to put my life on hold because you don't know how to act and you don't know where your life is going?~~ Kristina Debarge

Oh sweetheart put the bottle down You got too much talent I see you through those bloodshot eyes There's a cure you found it Slow motion sparks You caught that chill Now don't deny it But boys will be boys Oh yes they will They don't wanna define it Just don't deny it~~Kelly Clarkson

So one final monday, 2 finals thursday and 1 more final the next tuesday, then im done with that place until september. Im so tired i need a break! i went to look for a nice summer job today, i have interview on monday, cross ur fingers it goes well!..anyway tommorow emmys graduation, should be interesting spending the whole day with family, considering i cant stand looking at my parents at the moment.

I saw you today, driving, smoking ur cigarette as usual. do u ever work? i dont get it. i miss you! i have so much stuff that i need to talk about, and ur the only one i can do that with..i guess i will have to keep it all bottled up inside until u finally have time for me. You have so much that you could be doing right now to benefit ur future. and u chose to continue to hang out with thouse ppl. who got u in all this mess in the first place.

and you. i think ur getting to far ahead of urslef with this kid. ur just setting urslef up for rejection later. and i really dont wanna hear it. im tired of hearing that meeting him was the best thing in ur life and all this stuf..omg.idk..im give up...im going 2 sleep!

How could you be so heartless?

Somethings never change no matter how much you think they are starting to. What did u try to use me as a time waster last week? Sorry i couldnt be their to waste ur time. U owe me enough money that would allow me to buy myself a new gucci bag but i will never see a penny of it. Im a pushover- and blame this on myself, but mayb its really you. I cant think of this right now, im going to bed..more tommorow.. im sorry you chose to surrond yourselves with ppl who will never be succesful, and ideas of including doing drugs. thought learned. dont count on me to ge you out of trouble, call them, since obviously you cant live without them!


ps. baby girl take care of that foot!

Florida... where no one knows my name

so today basically confirmed it....i miss you...ur gone...kinda...havent been home in 3 weeks, ur mom says. however she told me your thinking more and more about going back to school, which i cant be more proud of you for, get your life back on track, u can do anything you want to, i believe in you and always will! you have it in you to become something great! (ah, im slowly strarting to sound like a teacher!) but seriously, i love you and you can do it if you try. i wont lie to you, it wont be easy, but i will be here to help every step of the way, if you need it. back in the day, our freshman year when i was having a horrible year, u were there for me, every step of the way and i wanna help you in any way i can, so you can reach your dreams. altough, we dont see each other as much as we did, i still care about you as much as i did when we spent each and every day with each other. I hope soon, ul drive back home so we can meet up, or we can find a half way point and meet somewhere...i miss you..you know that!

anyway...not much going on..i update less and less because i have so much hw to do. i need a break. a vacation far away for a long time. Cant wait for my 21st bday, were trying to plan a nice girls get away, leaning towards going to the bahamas. schools getting tough, hating nj more and more with each day. i think im ready for a change in my life. I want to move to Florida. seriously, like that song..i think ill start it over, start a new life, where no one knows my name...except i want to go to FL and not boston...lol...maybe one day what we talked about back in highschool, will come true...if it happens ill settle for just my pink kitchen, you can pick the colors of the other rooms just like we planned...heck..id be so happy to be in FL and have my best friend back that the walls could be painted bright green and i wouldnt care!!

o and on another note...what in the world were you thinking when you told me to dress up as the girl from hairspray. Have you looked in the mirror lately? i dont know who you think you are..but that was something i will never forget...its was totally disrespectful and un called for and wrong on so many levels..how can you say something like that to one of your best friends? i cant wait to see how long it takes you to realize somethings up...and btw i dont want to go to your fake colleges fake prom...please grow up......your in college, and i swear some of my elementary students are more grown than you...wake up and smell the coffee....you have no right to say the things you do, and what you told me put it over the top..i dont think ul ever understand how much you hurt me...and this is yet another reason why i cant let him go..not once has he ever made a comment about my weight or the way i look. he told me i was beautiful and loved me for the way i was...always made me feel the best about myself. maybe he really is the only true friend i will every have....

memories

driving down to the beach today pointing out all the places that i have stories about, that all are about things that have happened with me and you. spilling th milk, almost being killed by a turkey vulcher, our future houses, the place we drove down to eat at in january so you could see someone who liked very much. just driving down their in general made me sad. my car felt empty beacuse you werent in it. i love having gina in my car, somone to laugh and sing with the whole way down, but i would have loved if you were in the car with us to, laughing and singing along. i miss you more than ul every know. i want my best friend back. i wrote you a message telling you how i showed gina the place where i spilled the chocolate milk, asked you how everything was and how you liked your new job..u read it but, you have no consideration to even right me back. i dont get it..im on the back burner...you gave me a 10 year warantee, techniquly i have 3 years left, but i dont think so...i cant keeo putting all the effort into it anymore. more than anything i want to have someone to call and just talk to like before, but now you wont even answer the phone, id love to know what caused all this! as for now ill tell you what you told me...i miss you terribly..the the only diffrence? i actually mean it.

sleep for the night..........nyc in the morning

i miss you "terribly"

so thats what you told me, and still you havent proved that. im tired of getting all these txts and emails telling me how much you miss, how your sorry that you havent been around, and that you will make time for me. I guess you can only change for a few days. its back to normal again, no phone calls back or texts. im stuck in a rut..i cant make up my mind. ive done so much for you over the years and i know i dont deserve to be treated like a doormat, but thats what you do. im sorry...and i have nothing to apoligize for but i keep making myself think i do. i wish i new what happened...i cant write anymore

wish i could think of good titles like my cousin

today i spent the whole day with my group of 1st graders, wasent as bad as i thought. I had to teach them a math lesson about telling time, so for once it was actually math that i can handle, without to much thinking. I registerd for my classes for next semester, including my real education classes, and i hear they are TONS of work, not looking forward to that! but we will see hopefully, it will work out ok.

im not feeling good. everywake up in the morning and just feel sick to your stomach? thats me today. every once in a while it goes away, but i cant get it to stay away! o, well hopefully ill be better in the morning, only 2 classes tommorow and its officialy the start of my weekend! not much to do at all, except write a report on a book, i still havent read, its so boring, everytime i read a few pages i have to put it down. Most of the time i can bring myself to even open the book, much like right, now. my furtune cookie tonight said, dont put anything off tonight that you feel you cannnot die without doing..well i think id be ok without reading that book, so i probably wont read anymore today. On sunday i have to go to my cousins baby shower, ill be bored! im prediciting it now....

ok, well im off to watch the one tree hill i recorded on monday! ttyl...

ps. gina, babygirl...wear the fur..brendon says so!

calling dr. 4 letter name

figured i should update since i havent in a few days. not much is going on. i went back to school today and it was horrible, i have such a headache and just want to go to sleep but i have to stay awake to watch one tree hill. im currently trying to help find a place for my cousins graduation party. this is my thing, i love planing parties! if i wasnt so restricted in doing what my parents want, that would so be my major. I like the idea of special ed, but some days idk if i can handle it, however party planning, i can handle, everything done to the last detail, i love. I love running to diffrent stores, finding last minute things. it sounds crazy, but i love the rush! i cant wait to plan my wedding, i will drive my future husband crazy with the details, but o well...now all i need is to find my prince charming...(insert future doctor 4-letter name here)....sue and gina stop laughing at me!!!

i have to meet with one of my profssors tommorow, about a project we have to do, i love that i can meet with at a time when im actually at that school, and dont have to waste time, or drive all the way back there...i also love that she answers emails back in a heartbeat...i hate waiting for emails...shes one of the most hopeful professors at that school of mine..

lately i have been totally addicted to this song!! take a listen ul be addicted to..and the lead singer isnt to bad either!

Worried

i drove past that place tonight....my heart sank and tears filled my eyes, just thinking about you being there. i get more and more worried by the hour, because i havent talked to you and i dont know how things went yesterday. what if your back in there and now i have no way of finding out...i hope your ok...idk what to do anymore...please stay out of trouble, your more than that. i still care about you, that will never change. ill always be there for you no matter what. I hope your ok. and not there......i cant stop thinking about it.

tonight was horrible. i felt like i was out with a bunch of kids. seriously, your 19 and 20 yrs old. you should not be making fun of mentally challenged people, its so wrong. at your age you should no better! plus you dont know whos around you, and who can hear you. your out in public, please grow up.

Gina.....im glad ur home! u worried me. Feel better!!! Rest up!!! i will talk to you tommorow!!! I no you got sick just so you could see owen....i hoped you gave him that hint about your VERY SINGLE cousin!!

sick and tired of being sick and tired

so i kinda thought for a minute that i would actually see you today. the other day, u actually made an attempt to call me back plus you ansewred by txts later on in the night. i thought for once maybe i might actually see you. well yest, things went back to the way things were, no reply to txts messages and no phone call back. im sitting here and it all ready almost 230 in the afternoon. i wont see you today. i guess i get one day every three months for you to be nice to me and that its so, i guess ill have to wait until june for that to happen again. maybe ul surprise me, ill be shocked if you do. i dont care if all we do is sit in the car and talk, it doesnt matter to me anymore, as long as we spend sometime together, thats all i really want. but i see you dont care. idk. im going back and forth in my head with whether or not i should call or txt you today.ughh idk....

Hang in there gina! feel better! id come and visit you if i could. please dont stick up for him this time:( fell better...tell owen you have a very single cousin at home!

life lessons.

OMG! i hoped you learned your lesson this time, it sounds like you did! my worst nightmare came true! i hope you serious about what you told me!

i love you, be careful!

Forever and always?

My official 1st day of spring break is coming the end. i spent it in a 3rd grade classroom observing the teachers. lets just say it was interesting, i thought the kids were gonna fight each other! and it was only 3rd grade! thank god thats over.

Im not feeling so good, feel like im getting yet another cold. and am really hungry, dont know why, but i am. i really want a chocolate milkshake.

its intersting you signed on today and didnt read my message. i think its cuz u already know what is says, and you figure if you dont read it, u wont have to answer me. You promised me you would keep your promises this time. i hope to god im wrong, and theres a good reason why you didnt read it. i miss you and you know that, i cant take being lied to and getting my hopes up anymore!

Taylor Swift Forever and Always
This thing is breaking down, we almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby, what happened? Please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always
Oh, oh

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYfNG2RmnKM

spring break

so im officialy on spring break! not such a big deal, as i have no plans what so ever, really. monday i have to sit in a classroom for about 2 hours and interview the teacher but thats about it. i do plan to catch up on some very much needed sleep! some interesting things..my so called "best friend" was home last week for her spring break, i didnt see her once, why? cuz shed rather spend every waking moment with her stuck up brother, and drink, she just turned 21 and i swear she'll be an acoholic by her 22nd bday. its funny she always is telling me to drop my other best friend, because of what he does and how he treats me, but if you really think about it, she does the same things. speaking of him, i hope to see him this coming week, hopefully it will happen. i really do miss him, and it so strange hanging out just about every day, to hardly ever talking. he knows i miss him, and he says he misses me terribly. so hopefully thats true and i see him soon. sometimes i feel like hes the only real friend i have even though hes never around anymore. we've been friends for about 6 1/2 years, and i hope theres many more to come!

Tommorow im going to the st. patricks day parade with my cousins and her twins, as well as gina and her parents. should be interesting to say the least. you never know what type of person you'll see at those types of things. last year i saw a guy, dressed in a purple suit, sunglasses and a cane! ill be looking for him again this year!

Im loving the taylor swift cd, i have to go and buy it!

get over yourself

real quick..i should be going to bed or ill never wake up in the morning.......ur whole family needs to grow up. ur 21 yrs old and if i didnt know that, id never guess it. ur sister is a few years older than that and shes the most normal out of all of you, and i still have my doubts about her. and ur brothers...dont get me started, the oldest needs to come out of the closet already and get over it. and the young one needs to get over himself, actually you all need to get over yourself. Your little college is not the best place in the world, and u need to get over that 2. you always tell me get rid of him hes not a good friend...and all this but guess what you act the same way if not worse than him. get over yourself, and wake up....ur not what you think you are..one day you'll be lost, with no one but ur oldest brother....o and something ive always wanted to tell you.....you cant marry your brother...its illegal here in the US. even though im pretty sure ud love it if you could....k im going to sleep now, just had to get that off my mind.

dark

why when i was driving to class today did it feel like it was 4 in the morning? it sucks waking up when its pitch black outside, and seeing the sun come up when ur driving to class. not much is going on, i had to make a whole bunch of phone calls on friday to observe in a school, i got pushed around and recoonected to at least 10 other people, when i finally was able to leave a message, i got no call back, so i called again today, only to get shot down by the first person who decided to answer their phone, who not to mention was very rude. you all need to learn your info because you cant tell someone no because of a privacy issue, and someone they need to be approved first, please u pick and choose depending on what you feel like doing. or other reasons, which i will not say. anyway i have tons of studying to do plus have to take a nap, or i will never get through the studying so...thats all for now!

quick update

just a quick update i really should be getting to bed its almost 130 am and i hardly slept last night. i get a message tonight saying how much you missed me and how sorry you are for not being around. i was promised that we'd catch up soon. all i can hope is that you keep your promises this time. ill never tell you this but without you i feel like a part of me is missing. writting you back messages is so hard cuz theres so many things that i want to tell you if i wrote it all id be writing for hours. anyway spent tonight with none other than gina, went to a basketball game then out for pizza. nothing to exciting. tommorow we're going prom dress shopping for her, its going to be a very tiring day so i gotta get all the sleep in i can get.

Tears

so today i cried as i got dressed to go to class as well as half of my 40 minute drive there. once i got there, i put on my everyday fake smile, and walked to class. I put in my head that i was writing you a message when i got home asking for you to be there for me now. I had a complete breakdown and just needed to talk to you because your the only one that makes things seem ok. but i didnt for 2 reasons 1. i dont want to be more hurt if you dont write me back. and 2. i feel bad putting my tears and problems on you, when have your own. I have a complete breakdown at least once a month now. there no fun.

My meeting with my advisor went better than i thought, i actually passed a required test you have to take to go on to higher level class that i thought i failed. I now am well on my way to graduate in may 2011, once i get my first real job, im out of here! living on my own in my own apartment, without having my every moved watched. Thank god its thursday no more classes this week. i dont think i could have taken anymore anyway.

Getting ready 2 go to dinner w liz, she wants go where i normally would want to but not tonioght especially w what happened there on sat and how this whole week went.

OVERPROTECTED

You say you dont sleep...im sure..u sleep more than anyone else in this house. you say theres a lot of stuff going on that i have no idea about it. think twice mama dukes, i no more than you think, about whats going on, dont forget i have cousins who work and see his paperwork! im not an idiot. You tell me get a job and then i can pay to go on a vacation. yea right, ud never let me go away with friends and no adults. never! u had a heart attack when i went to FL for 3 days with my much older cousin then me! (ps. sue, i dont mean ur old). You'll see, ill plan a vacation and buy everything without you knowing. i dont need ur permission anymore im 20 yrs old not 5 although thats the way im treated. I could have been going to the bahamas on spring break, but no you wouldnt let me do that either. Soon ill be 21, wont that be fun for you! You want to move to an old folks community go, i never told you to buy this big house anyway, and i sure didnt tell you to move to a big house in the middle of nowhere, where it takes forever to get anywhere. Im in a college that you picked for me, because you wouldnt let me go away to school. Im in a major that you picked for me , forced it upon me. you wouldnt except it if i did what i really wanted to be majoring in. My life has been hand picked by you. My friends, i blame half of me and his friendship problems on you two for pushing him away. You dont like the ones i like and the ones i spend the most time with. I will never bring a boy in this house that you approve off. Unless his exactly like landon from a walk to remember. Newsflash: its 2009, theres probably 2 of them that exist, and they sure as hell dont live in NJ. What would you do if i moved to FL and started over all by myself. Its the only place ive truely felt happy in a very long time. Maybe thats what i need. I nice see ya later! i think ud rather see me miserable than happy. Ive never been in trouble, never walked in the house drunk, never! im the only 2o yr old who still has to be home by midnight! Go to sleep, i can handle opening the door and turining off the alarm. im the only one who has to call mommy and daddy before i go anywhere. Ive completly had it. You say im never home..Wake up theres a reason for that! Maybe stop treating me like im 5 and treat me like the 20 yr old that i am and maybe ill stay around some more.

as you can see things arent to happy over here. ive complety had it. These are the times that i wish me and you could sit down and talk so i could tell you all the things that i need to say. and you can give me a hug and make things feel better, at least for that moment. you've told me countless times, im always here for you no matter what. If i called you now 2 tell you i really need to talk to someone, id get the voicemail, with no call back. What happend to ALWAYS? i miss you more than you ever no, i dont think u realize your the only one of my friends that actually listens when im upset! i wish you were here right now!

anyway. tommorows thurdays i have to meet with my advisor so she can screw up my schedule some more for next semester. Cant wait. Have a mid term in inclusion to, should be to hard comsidering we get to have 2 pages of notes. in small print i can get everything on there. thats all for now

An oldie but goodie. at least britney knows what im feeling.

Exausted

so i can say im exausted after this weekend, physically, mentally and emotionaly. (sorry for my lack of good spelling). Friday started out ok, going to the dentist but then spending time with one of my favorite cousin who can make me laugh even if shes not trying to. Things didnt start to go down hill until saturday night. I had a great time getting ready to go out, couldnt wait to see one of my best friends who i havent seen in a very long time. and then "that"( see previous entry) had to happen. ive basically had my fill of him treating my like he does. That whole thing pretty much ruined my night altough i kept a fake smile on my face to keep the tears from falling. and pretend it really didnt bother me. im used to that. Today i went to breakfast with one of my best friends since kindergarten. i cant believe that we've known each other for 15 years now, its so crazy. Her mom almost looked like she wanted to cry this aftenoon as we talked about how we will be graduating college in about 2 years. As much as we dont see each other, cause she is away at school, i no she is someone i can and always will be able to count on. After breakfast we went to look for a new snowboard for her. i have no idea about any of that stuff. it was fun though. we also passed someone on the way to one of the stores. and for the record he looked even more misreable than he did last night. but it still hurts to see him. so like i said im exausted i need to sleep like really sleep but with so much running through my mind i cant. I need to cut him out of my life complety but being close to someone for 6 years and being inseperbale doesnt make that come easy.

On another note as we speak...its snowing outside, last i heard 8-12 inches is expected! yet another thing to make me mad. I cant win. St pattys day is coming up and maybe ill find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and my luck and happiness will finally change.

What goes around comes around

there are so many things i want and should say to you right now!. first of all ur a jerk..is it really hard to say hi? idk i dont think so. and i no ur gonna tell me u didnt even see me, but come on you no u did and even if you didnt u had to hear us. im tired of it all. i wish i could just let u go, but i cant. and i swear if i find out that you told them not to put us in your section. id really like to no what i did that was bad. when u didnt have a car..who drove you around? to work 45 minutes away at the crack of dawn and then back and forth again! and extra places just because you wanted to go? who lent you so much money while you said i swear ill pay you back as soon as i get paid. news flash: u still owe me $200. money i will never see again! yes i was stupid for giving it to you in the first place but at that time u truly were my best friend. i wanted to help you in anyway i could. you were always there for me and now im like a total stranger. it hurts that everytime i call all i hear is the voicemail message, cuz as you would say "im to high" to pick it up. or are u? is it just because u dont want to talk to me? and i hate the text message u send every once in awhile saying o we have to hang out soon its been so long. ill call soon...and then you never do. Ive done everything for you that i possibly could. What i did for you for your bday was such a big mistake. i should have never boughten you what i did and should have never taken you out on top of that to. not that im looking for anything in return, but u couldnt do a thing for me for my bday! couldnt even show up to the dinner! i no you dont like my friends, but guess what u dont like them half as much as i dont like yours. im tired of being the back up plan or the bank. thats all i am to you. i really want to know if i even really ment anything to you? Ive really had it with you! right now all i wanna do is cry, uve hurt me so much and it doesnt even phase you. one day ul need me and i want be there to pick you up when ur down like i always was no matter what. call one of your "real friends"!

Josh Hoge-360

You can tell someone, that you’ll be there
And then walk away, like you don’t
not saying this cause im mad
I just want you to understand,
One day, its gonna catch up with you

What goes around comes around
Baby I thought you knew
Do somebody wrong for too long,
its gonna get done to you
And you did me bad and got away
Play me like a fool
Thought you knew, 360 is coming right back to you

You must be sitting on top of the world
Feeling like you’re finally free and you will seethat it won’t be too long
Taking what you deserve, then you’re the one that somebody leaves
Then you’ll think of me and wish you never did me wrong baby

so sleepy...

can someone please tell me why I went to bed at almost 2 am and woke up at 9am...im supposed to be sleeping in atleast till 11. o well guess i will be taking a nice long nap sometime today! Ill have to get my energy up for the night thats ahead. Went to see Shopaholic last night and i didnt think it was that good. It was a cute movie but it was very drown out. (Sorry Gina!) We also went to the mall to buy some more "teacher" clothes now, i feel like im wearing straight-up grandma clothes. The weather guys are calling for 6+ inches sunday into monday. can you say Yuck! get me on a plane and get me out of here!

I think sometime soon, i will start a list of things i know about myself (yes, inspired by "kelts") for right now im to tired to think about it. K i think its time for that nap....more later!

Over!

This week is finally over. i cant wait to sleep in tommorow! its supposed to get up to 60 degrees tommorow. cant wait to drive around with the windows down. for one day at least, their saying snow on sunday..ughh..i hate snow more than anything, its causes a mess, makes things cold, on who ever says "o its so pretty" seriously needs to go have their eyes checked!

I just watched making the band. i am hoping for a danity kane reunion, i still love them. And my Donnie what can i say about him..i love him, i truely believe that he will be a big star one day, all it takes is a little time, he already has the dedication. In time everyone will see his true talent, hes got alot of it and I always will be a fan of his.

Speaking of Tv. when will one tree hill stop being re runs. i look forward to relaxing after a long monday by watching that show, and for the last atleast 3 weeks they have been re-runs. I hate how they spilt the season in half and then leave us waiting for months. on a happier note, i heard on the radio that it has been picked up for another season..so one tree hill will continue!

1 more day

so i feel like this week has gone on forever. being in the 1st grade classroom has been fun but alot more difficult than i thought. the kids in that school are so smart too! i still have my doubts about being a teacher and i honestly dont know if i will even know whats right for me to do. tommorow i have two classes in the morning and then im off till monday. this weekend should be a good one. lots of shopping, movie, spending time with my gina...(gotta get all the time in with her no while i can b4 she goes off to school next yr) and seeing good friends i havent seen or really talked to in months.

its still so cold hear. im beginging to think if summer or even spring for that matter will ever come back. i cant wait to pack the car with all my girls, with a good cd blasting and the windows down, and drive down to the beach!..nothings better or more relaxing than laying on the beach with your closest friends. im making myself upset just thinking about how long is gonna be until this can actually happen again. its true: people are more happy in the summer. do you see that to?

more later...probably tommorow...getting ready for thr real world...its gonna be a good one tonight! lol if i can stay awake that long!

.....

Today is sunday, the last day of a long weekend. im so not ready to head into another week of classes. this week i will be going back to 1st grade. i get to spend about 8 weeks in the classroom observing and helphing the teacher to learn things for if and when i become a teacher. im a little excited. this means i have to get up and dress like a teacher instead of waking up and just throwing on a pair of jeans and hoodie. this mean no more laying in bed for another half hour after the alram goes off. that wont be easy. today i have to go to a bridal shower im not excited about going in the least bit. hopefully it will be quick. on another note...i cant help but wonder of you knew that was me behind you at the light last night. as you sped of once the light turned green i cant help but think that you had to know. but then again its you, and you always drive like that. not to mention you probably weren't "all there" at that time at night anyway. o well guess i never know...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQDR8qTn2O8

Such a long day

i just got home from a very long day spent with one of my all time favorite cousins. we had such a packed day filled with many diffrent types of people. I got to meet one of her kinda doctors. lol...i cant wait for 3 more weeks to pass by. Later tonight we went to a basketball game, instead of watching the actual game we do more people watching. The best thing to do is watch the people walking by when the turn music on during timeouts. I recommend you try it next time your at a basketball game. Well im off to bed. I have a ton of things to do tommorow too.

Why is it so cold?

as im writing this im sitting at my cousins house getting ready for a jam packed day tommorow. No class on fridays means i get to start my weekends extra early. It's supposed to be very cold tommrow, its days like that that I wish it could be summer already. Or we could get rid of winter all together. I wish i was still in the warm sunny weather in Fl. 3 days were just not enough. more later only 6 more hours till we have to wake up and start our busy day!!